Am I Really Alone?

Not really...in fact, I'm surrounded people. I have amazing friends, family and a boyfriend that I couldn't possibly love more. God, I love him so much. I care about him more than anything. I always want the best for him, but I don't know... I feel like sometimes I mess up. On what? I'm not sure. I just feel that way...

Recently, I've been feeling really isolated. I don't know why. I feel like I am alone in my own thoughts and opinions, and there is no one there with me. I know that they ARE my own thoughts, but I can't really help it...I feel like no one loves me, no one wants to be there for me...I feel like everyone is gone. I have isolated myself from society (realistically, I have not. But for some reason I can not help those feelings). I feel like no one understands me. No one comes to terms with me. I just can not figure it out. Why am I so alone? Why does it feel like no one loves me? Why can't I socialize better? I just want P...P makes everything feel better.

I wish that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars, because I could reallyy use a wish right now...

Is It Bad Not to Care?

Summer is almost here. I'm starting to feel the summer-itis. I know it's bad, but I'm starting to not care. Not just about school. About anything.

Have you ever felt like taking yourself away from life? Just needing a moment to pull back and take a breather. I feel like that right now. Unfortunately, when you take yourself away, you can't bring yourself back. Nothing can. This is the problem I face.

I've started to not care about Math. I know that Math is essential to everything, but I've had enough of it and I just want it all to stop. The numbers and symbols and variables float through my head, just bouncing around the insides of my brain. There is no meaning, there is no purpose.

I just want it all to end. It ends with summer. Unfortunately, summer will be no fun and games for me, because I have to work. And sure, it will be fun and it'll be a blast, but still... so many things are gone. Friends are traveling, the boy that I love will be absent from my life for a month. It hurts to just think about that. But, luckily we will come together again.

I'm also really done with high school. The drama, the nasty girls who always need to have their hands on every boy, the tests, the quizzes, the homework. I'm done. I want out. I want out now. I wish that I could get out. Unfortunately I only have 2 more years left. And they will just get worse and worse.

I know that I'm feeling ungrateful. I have a good, no a really good life. But it's not easy and I just can't handle all of this pressure. All of the responsibilities. Sometimes I want to skip ahead in my life, like 13 going on 30 and just get to the good parts... Well, I know that through blood, sweat and tears comes wonderful things.

I wish it could stop. The pressure, the constant responsibilities. I know that it's life, and I know that it's high school... But I wish that for once in my life I could just push pause.

As Cool As You

Drinking. Sure, almost every high schooler does it. That's great, nbd, as my friend would say. But has it really come to a point where drinking excessively is "cool"? I understand for the experience, and the enjoyment. But if you do it to enjoy it AND because you want to heighten your reputation, well then, I'm really sorry because that is plain sad. If you need to feel accepted by your "friends" or need to feel included in some secret club that you're missing out on, then you have GREAT friends. Actually, fantastic friends.

I must not be "cool" because I sit at home studying, and I actually care about my grades. I must not be "cool" because I am in a stable relationship with someone that I love, rather than hooking up with random people that I probably won't remember by the next morning. I'm really sorry that I'm not "cool." If only I was as cool as you.

But guess what? I'll be in a good college, setting up the stepping stones for the rest of my life while you are drinking away, having the time of your life. I'm really sorry that I'm not cool...I really wish that I was as cool as you are.

I'm not saying that I'm 100% against drinking. I've done it before, of course. But I understand what it's like to do it for enjoyment and fun, rather than being "cool" and feeling the need to be accepted into what you call your "friends".

Beginning is Difficult

School is starting up again soon...what a surprise. Just when I start to get used to sleeping in and having the whole day free, the air starts to get a little colder, and it just feels like school is approaching.

Starting school again is always difficult. Figuring out where your classes are, who is in your classes, locating your locker and figuring out when and how you're going to get there...in other words, it's chaos.

Today, I realized that one of the reasons why starting school is so hard is because last year's memories are all embedded in my memory. For example, I got a new locker lock today. However, last year I had a lock that I loveddd. The combination was 0-6-0. It really can't get much better than that. Well, I wanted to use that lock again this year, but I couldn't find it. I got really upset and I thought that this coming up school year wouldn't be as good as last year. But, then I realized that I felt that exact same way about freshman year. I hated it in the beginning, but it turned out being really fun.

I came to the conclusion that there will always be change. It might be negative from before, but until you experience it, there's no knowing if it will be a good or bad year coming up.

How it Started...

The thought of blogging never crossed my mind. Sure, I knew what it was, and how it worked, but I never really imagined myself actually being a "blogger," putting my thoughts out there for the world to read. But, today boredome and reluctance to do my summer reading has slowly led my thoughts to becoming a blogger.

I don't know how to exactly start this without being awkward, so I guess that I'll just start by explaining what I've done so far this week...

I went to San Francisco this past week. Yes, I drove the six-hour trek up to the city with a car filled with food, bottles of water, my mother, grandparents and brothers. It wasn't the best trip ever, but it also wasn't the worst, thank goodness. I went shopping and bought LOTS of new clothes. That was extremely enjoyable. I also took a trip to Alcatraz and Angel Island. Let me say that I would definitely live on Angel Island. The weather is cool, it isn't very crowded, and the views are spectacular! You can see San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge, Alctraz, basically everything.

Well, dinner calls...I shall blog more later then.